How to read queries, a step by step guide

The other day an author asked me what she was "doing wrong" in her query. I didn't really have an answer. There are, obviously some BIG no-no's when querying, but I feel like those have been covered by other blogs.  Aside from those, what is "wrong" for me might work for another agent.

So, for what it is worth, here is my process for reviewing queries. 

Step 1. Realize that query folder is overflowing. Berate self for being lazy and/or having a life. 

Step 2. Decide to wade into the fray of battle to make unread email number lower. Screw courage to sticking place. 

Step 3. Open email, hoping for something clearly awesome that I can sell for millions of dollars. Or, failing that, an obvious reject since I simply must defeat the inbox. 

Step 4. Read email, possibly several times depending on potential of project. See below. 

LEVEL 1: Quick reading of query to see if it hits any of my "automatic rejection" buttons. EXAMPLES: It's a screenplay; it's a book genre I do not handle, novel is 600,000 words long, the author cannot write in English, author is potentially crazy and/or lists heinous crimes committed. (NOTE: I feel like anyone reading this could beat this level.)  

LEVEL 2: Book is in my wheelhouse, now examine premise. Is this something I would read? Possible reasons for rejection at this level: Don't like concept, I have read this book before, sounds boring, etc. 

LEVEL 3: Ooh, shiny! Is something I would read, but do I think I can sell it? Possible reasons for rejection at this level: I have something similar and haven't been able to sell it, editors don't want this, don't know publisher in that area, etc. 

LEVEL 4: I must read more!  Author has beaten levels. Excitement and rejoicing.

Step 5. Repeat these steps until my eyes start to cross and words look fuzzy. Admit defeat. Wring hands like maniacal super villain and announce that "I will get you next time, slush pile."

Conferences

I had a good day today at the CT Fiction Fest. Conferences still make me a bit nervous. I am afraid of being a huge disappointment to people who want to meet me. Then writers are nervous about their pitch. So everyone is uncomfortable.But today was, as I said, good. Phew! I think I got some good pitches. We'll see.

I need to get out to different conferences. I seem to attend the same ones! And see the same people! So if you are reading this and involved in a planning a conference, please shoot me an email and I'll see if I can't fit it in!

Murder Complex

L. Perkins Agency client Lindsay Cummings talks with Girls in the Stacks about finding an agent (my lovely coworker Louise Fury), and getting a book deal. I like this podcast because it's like listening in on a group of friends chatting.

And of course we love Lindsay.

Contracts

I like book publishing contracts. I am very weird. They are a strange animal. Unique to the industry, hard for outsiders to understand. When I was at NYU, I took a course with Jan Constantine (General Counsel at the Authors Guild) and one of my favorite parts was learning about the cases that shaped the book contract as we know it.

I still have my notebook and folder from that class because I am a dork.

Anyway, back to the point. I was asked at a conference if there is a book to learn that sort of thing. And, yes, there are several. Jan used Negotiating the Book Contract by Mark Levine. (Mr. Levine also has a book for self-publishing authors called The Fine Print of Self Publishing which I'd recommend for all of you who DON'T want an agent.)

Sadly, I don't remember who asked me this originally. 

See? I knew I would run out of things to post about. Does anyone have any questions or brilliant ideas?

Today has mostly been about the war of the inbox. There is no hope of winning the war of the inbox. You just have to keep it from strangling you. I think I am through all queries from more than a month ago. I say think because, who knows what is lurking in the folders. I shudder to think of it.

That could be a horror movie. Someone thinks their work email is all up to date only to discover there are things s/he was supposed to be doing all along, s/he just didn't see them. Don't laugh. I find my stress dreams much more frightening than the run-for-your-life dreams.

Comic Con Episode IV

I just saw Comic Con Episode IV: A Fan's Hope. It's a documentary (by Morgan Spurlock) about, duh, Comic Con in San Diego*. The film follows a bunch of fans but I was most interested in the two artists who were trying to break into penciling for comic book companies.

They'd go to portfolio reviews and the reviewers would say the art wasn't right for them. Then the artists would be all sad. And I was sad for them.

... Except that's probably EXACTLY how people who query me feel when I say that their writing isn't for me. It made me feel guilty. I didn't get into this business to crush dreams. I'm not waking up with a goal to make people cry.

But I can't represent everyone, and it's true that some stuff "isn't right for me." Because there were two artists in the documentary, and one got hired and the other didn't. Except I couldn't really see what made one better. Obviously I'm not the world's foremost authority on everything.

*I've never been to SDCC but the New York Comic Con is my sacred weekend. 

Mystery Agent

This month I was the "mystery agent" (doesn't that make me sound mysterious and cool?) at the Operation Awesome blog. Sometimes it is hard to explain why you are picking one thing and not others. Congratulations to the winners.

Covers

I've got several books out on submission. The waiting is killing me, so I need to blog to distract myself. I'm never really sure what to blog about. If you have suggestions or questions, please comment with them because I am at a loss. A lot.

Anyway, today I got a query with attached cover image. It was actually rather nice looking for a homemade cover. I'd almost rather it be the ugliest thing in the world (which does happen occasionally with queries). See, unless you are a very powerful famous author, you aren't going to have any approval over your cover image. I can't think of any debut authors who've even had cover consultation (meaning input but not the final say) in their contract.

You might think this is is mean and terrible. How dare publishers not consult you? But the truth is that they have very talented, and lovely people who make covers for a living. Sometimes these people miss the mark and that is always unfortunate when a cover is bad. But it's never an author's fault that a cover is bad, because--again--author's don't have control over that.

Sending me a cover image with your query only shows me that you don't know how the industry works. Which means I'd have to explain it to you (downside) and that you have wasted your time (downside x2).

Geek Girl Con

Tickets have gone on sale for Geek Girl Con 2012! It's in August this year. I missed the initial announcement; I feel like a bad geek girl. Buy your tickets here!

Sadly, I'm not going to attend for the second year in a row. Sob. But I still want to promote it to anyone out there reading this in the Seattle area. I think it's a really good thing. I'm one of those people who has been quizzed on knowledge of fantasy books and comic books by guys who don't believe that I could possibly know this stuff.

Queries

I read queries this afternoon. If you sent me anything before this morning (March 1) then you should've received a response. If not, then I probably didn't get it. Please send again!

I know I don't get nearly as many queries as some of the bigger agents out there. Probably not even a 1/10th. I'm not sure how they do it. After a little while reading through all the new names and ideas, my eyes start to cross and I can't read anymore.

Unfortunately, I feel like I am kinder to the queries that I happen to read at the beginning of day than I am those toward the end. Taking breaks is the only way to keep me sane. I probably won't read any more for another few days.